Offscreen
by Essy Lasaylan
Summary: Ever wonder why your Labyrinth video's on the fritz? Read on and find out. This story won 'Best Comedy' in the 2001 Green Awards for Labyrinth fanfiction.


Title - Offscreen  
Author - Essy  
Disclaimer - No infringement of copyright was intended here.   
Archival - By permission only  
  
  
Everything gets boring if you do it enough times. You'll be sick if you eat too much chocolate. You'll get bored if you keep playing the same game. You'll go blind if you  
keep...well, anyway. :-)   
  
Remember when you were a kid and you thought that the people on television were just really small people putting on plays for you from inside the box? Well, what if you were to keep watching the same film? It'd get a little repetitive, even for you, right? As for the people stuck in your TV having to repeatedly act it out, I should imagine they'd be just a leettle bit pissy...  
  
  
***  
  
  
Sarah and her friends danced wildly in her room as the white owl soared upwards into the velvet night. Heading, defeatedly, back to the labyrinth.  
"CUT!"  
As one, the characters in the room flopped melodramatically onto the nearest available surface.  
"How many times is it possible to watch one video?!" screamed Sarah.  
"Millions?" Hoggle suggested, gloomily.  
"They'll never give up!"  
With a flash of glitter, the goblin king appeared in the corner of the room. The others cleared a space on the bed for him to sit down, which he did, sighing.  
"I honestly thought that after they discontinued it, that would be it. But no, they just had to re-release it didn't they?"  
Sarah looked at him sharply.  
"I don't see what you're complaining about! They only watch it for you! I'm supposed to be the star, but no-one cares what the hell happens to me, it's all Jareth, Jareth,  
Jareth!"  
"Try having to keep turning up every time, just to recite the same five lines!" Sarah's father complained as he came in. "At least you get to do interesting things!"  
"Yeah, all *I'm* allowed to do is hang round here acting like a bitch for one damn scene." Chimed in Karen. "And we don't even get to go to the labyrinth!"  
"At least you're not doing this 24/7!" Countered Sarah. "We've got the fanfics to contend with too!"  
Jareth and Sarah both shuddered involuntarily at the dreaded f-word.  
"I hardly ever get to be in one of those." Remarked Sarah's father wistfully.  
"You don't want to be in one. They're awful!" The goblin king explained earnestly.  
Sarah raised her eyebrow at him. "Oh yeah, Jareth. They're really terrible, for you. All those visitations, all those listians to bed. I bet it's torture."  
"What about all the angst fics?" He demanded hotly. "What about all those sappy love affairs with vapid Mary Sues? What about the torture fics?"  
Sarah held up a hand.  
"Tell it to the hand, Jareth. Touch...of...strange!"  
He looked down sheepishly.  
"I am really sorry about that. I didn't actually want to--"  
"I know, I know. It was the writers. I'm just saying you  
have no right to complain about getting to screw a few violet eyed avatars."  
"At least you get interesting parts in the fics." Hoggle continued moodily. "Heroes and villains and stuff. What do I get? Catalyst. That's all I ever am. I further the plot. Big wows!"  
There was a scream of frustration from the doorway. The sleeping Toby - whom Karen had been carrying in her arms - had just peed on her.  
"That's IT! I've had it with this STUPID film! I'm going on STRIKE! No more BABIES!"  
Sarah stood up eagerly. "No more whining!"  
The other characters began chiming in.  
"No more hats!"  
"No more riddles!"  
"No more cowardice!"  
"No more chivalry!"  
"No more rocks!"  
"No more tea!"  
"No more biting!"  
"No more dismembering!"  
"No more tights!"  
Sarah sighed and sat back down again.  
"But how are we supposed to escape?"  
A slow grin spread over Karen's face. "Hoggle, could you get me a couple of bags of sugar from the kitchen?"  
"Huh?"  
"I'm gonna need sugar, two fans and a lamp."  
  
  
***  
  
  
(A little later...)  
  
"Are we ready?"  
Jareth angled the lamp, so it was facing the wall opposite. Its beam lying in between the two fans.  
"Yup!"  
"Just turn on the fans."  
Hoggle and Sarah flipped the switches on the fans.  
"Lights!"  
Mr Williams flipped the bedroom lights off.  
"Action!" She said gleefully, dumping the whole bag of sugar into the space between the two fans. Caught in the airflow the grains flew around randomly in the light. Looking for all the world like an electric snowstorm.  
  
  
***  
  
  
(Back in the real world...)  
  
"MOM! The VCR chewed up my labyrinth tape! All it's showing is that damn static."  
"Well I can't fix it right this second! Go watch 'The Princess Bride' on the VCR in your room."  
"Okay."  
  
  
***  
  
  
(And in Sarah's room...)  
  
"Wow it worked!"  
"We're free!"  
"Who's coming back to the castle for cocktails?"  
Karen turned and looked at Toby.  
"What about the him?"  
"Forget about the baby" responded Sarah. Everybody looked at her and she smiled beatifically.  
"Fifteen years I've wanted to say that! FIFTEEN YEARS!" 


End file.
